March 6th 2011,
After the Mysteriums ransacking of my mind last night and their orders to return all items by midnight tonight, including my notes and journals, I find myself once more having to began a journal again, this time for no other reason than I feel ready to explode.
Its devastating to now realize that not only did I spend incalculable hours of my life from the moment of my awakening to now vainly plotting, planning, sacrificing and climbing the Mysterium for no other reason than to find a box that may not have existed, but also that I end my time as such with little more to show for it than an Addiction to Vampire blood and the ruins of a life wasted. I bought into the Lie again and again, struggled to find something that was no more than a shimmering mirage in the vast desert of my Awakening, and listened to a will that was not my own. I am disgusted by my actions but also horrified at my ending.
I have lost 10 years of my life in what amounts to a week. I watched as the Mysterium took my box, all I owned in the Magical world, and catalogued tagged and stored them away in their vaults, to no doubt be read, reread, and thrice copied for study. That much I can still remember about their ways. I could feel the last visage of pride and the last little bit of hope for a pardon from my fellow mystagogues fade. Though to be honest I might have expected this last night when they asked me to drop my defences so they could remove the memories. I even now grasp at straws to remember the Thesis, though I know its in vain.
I was told, rather bluntly, that I was going to have to show my wisdom had not been tainted due to this turn of events. I was not only a new
My Mage in the Consilii but I also had an unfortunate track record over the last few months. AS far as they are concerned if I want to get back into their midst I must earn it. I am told I will be contacted with my first job after a 3 month probationary period in which I will be closely observed.
To be honest I am not sure I WANT to return. Everything is spinning far too fast. I have just realized my entire awakening, hell my entire life has been controlled by that THING. I chose my old path because I felt it right, my path, where I needed to be, but I now feel even that was a hasty decision. Could I have been better on the other paths ?
Not that that matters now. I have chosen, I have turned onto this path and taken the name of the one whom I seek to Emulate. Its appropriate I guess. I named myself after Ahriman, though I dare not take the name on out loud, choosing instead to take the well know form from the Muslim traditions, one full of pride. A shadow Shadow name if you will. It fits, and since few of the Cabal, nor many I would think in the consilli would know the story behind the two names I feel Its better they don’t understand and rather think of me playing to stereotype. I will tell my new cabal mates, whom ever they may be, when I am ready.
Now though I must ponder if I want to be in the Mysterium, if I really believe in what they are and what they do. I need to find my own path and that means thinking, learning, considering until I know whats right. I have been given a new beginning, and I will not waste it.